Before you can resolve conflict with your partner, you need to understand how each of you communicates, and where those patterns come from. This chapter is about seeing yourself and your partner more clearly.
Now that we have a clear understanding of what conflict is really about, the next step in resolving issues the right way with your partner is this: you need to begin by understanding your own communication style, and your partner's.
Before we dive into that, there is something important to establish first. Resolving issues with your partner is not something that can be rushed. It is not a short-term fix. It needs to be approached with patience, with intention, and with a long-term perspective. This is precisely why we are beginning here, not with scripts or strategies for the middle of an argument, but with something more foundational: understanding who you and your partner actually are as communicators.
"It is entirely possible for two people to look at the same thing and see something different."
Enriching Your PurposeThere is a reason two people can be looking at the same situation and reaching completely different conclusions. It is not stubbornness. It is not bad faith. It is simply the way human beings are built.
Just as we have different names, different heights, different histories, we also have different ways of perceiving the world. This is sometimes called a paradigm: the lens through which each of us interprets life. Your paradigm is shaped by everything you have been through, your upbringing, your past relationships, your experiences of being heard or silenced, your culture, your pain. And because no two people share the exact same history, no two people share the exact same paradigm.
A useful illustration of this is the number six experiment. The number six was written on a surface and two people were positioned on opposite sides of it. When asked what number they could see, the person on one side said six. The person on the other side said nine. Both were looking at the same thing. Both were completely correct from where they stood.
It is entirely possible for two people to look at the same thing and see something different. And this is not a problem to be fixed, it is a reality to be understood. Because what makes you see what you see, and what makes your partner see what they see, is your communication style. Your conflict resolution style. And those styles differ from person to person.
Understanding this changes how you approach disagreement. It helps you stop personalising the differences between you and your partner, and start recognising them as real, legitimate, and workable , if you take the time to understand them.
There are four main communication styles worth understanding. As you read through each one, take time to honestly ask yourself: where do I fall? And just as importantly: where does my partner fall?
Avoids conflict at almost any cost. Goes quiet, says "it's fine" when it isn't. Does not let things go, stores them. Builds resentment quietly, layer by layer, until the ceiling is reached and everything surfaces at once.
Approaches conflict through dominance. Uses raised voice, sharp language, or energy that makes the other person feel small. Shuts conversation down before it can go anywhere useful, the other person is managing the interaction, not the issue.
Avoidance of passive combined with the anger of aggressive. Communicates through behaviour, sarcasm, withdrawal, withholding warmth. Rarely says what is wrong, leaving their partner in a state of confusion with no clear path forward.
Clearly expresses needs, feelings, and observations , without attacking, avoiding, or hiding behind sarcasm. Speaks from experience rather than accusation. The only style that creates the conditions for both people to be genuinely understood.
The goal of this workbook is to move you toward assertiveness. Not just as individuals, but as a couple. Assertiveness may not come naturally at first , especially for those who were never taught to express themselves, or who learned early that expressing themselves was not safe. But it is a skill that can be developed.
That is where the real shifts happen.
Knowing your communication style is the first layer. The second layer is understanding your triggers and your partner's.
A trigger is anything that activates a disproportionate emotional response. It can be a word, a tone, a gesture, a silence, a behaviour. And here is what is crucial to understand: when you are triggered, you are often not reacting to what your partner just did. You are reacting to something from your past that your partner's action has reminded you of.
Sometimes it is something from childhood. Sometimes it is something from a previous relationship. Sometimes it is a wound that has nothing to do with your partner at all, but in the heat of the moment, it feels like it has everything to do with them.
For example: imagine you grew up in a home where you were frequently called foolish by a parent. Years later, you are having a disagreement with your partner and they use the word "foolish" , not to describe you, but to describe a situation. They are talking about the problem. But the word lands like a blow. You react strongly, and your partner cannot understand why. They were not attacking you. But something in you heard what you used to hear growing up. You were not reacting to them. You were reacting to the past.
This is why it is so important to understand your triggers , and to communicate them to your partner before conflict arrives, not in the middle of it. The conversation you have on a calm evening about what words make you shut down, what behaviours make you go cold, what tone makes you feel small, that conversation is far more valuable than any argument you will try to navigate in real time.
"The goal is mutual understanding, so that when something comes up, both of you have context."
Enriching Your PurposeOne more thing that shapes how we communicate and how we handle conflict , is how we were raised. And this is where men and women, in many cases, are working from very different instruction sets.
The way men are taught to deal with difficulty and the way women are taught to deal with it are often fundamentally different. Women are frequently socialised to confront, to name what is happening, to talk through feelings. Men are frequently socialised to withdraw, to manage things internally, to see emotional expression as a form of weakness. Neither of these approaches is inherently right or wrong. But when they meet in a relationship, they can produce a communication breakdown that looks like conflict but is really just two people speaking entirely different emotional languages.
It is also worth noting that this is not always gendered in the traditional direction. What matters is not the generalisation, but the specific reality of the two people in the relationship.
Some people grow up in homes where they are given space and encouragement to express themselves. Others grow up in homes where expressing yourself leads to punishment, dismissal, or indifference. Those people learn to suppress. They learn that their feelings are not welcome. And when they enter a relationship, you cannot expect them to suddenly become expressive simply because the relationship is a safer space. That habit, that protective suppression, runs deep.
So it is worth asking yourself honestly: is my partner someone who naturally expresses themselves, or someone who has learned to suppress? And if they suppress, what might have taught them to do that?
This does not mean it is your job to become their therapist. Your goal is not to change your partner. That is not your role, and it is not something you can do. Your goal is to understand your partner well enough that you can find the right approach, the right moment, the right tone, the right words, when issues need to be addressed. Understanding is not the same as fixing. But it makes everything else more possible.
We are all different. We were shaped differently, raised differently, wounded differently. And those differences show up , visibly, powerfully, in the way we handle conflict.
Understanding your communication style is not about labelling yourself or your partner. It is about gaining clarity. It is about moving away from the assumption that your way of experiencing a situation is the only valid way, and beginning to make room for the reality that your partner's experience is just as real as yours , even when it looks completely different.
The couple who takes time to understand each other's styles, each other's triggers, and the histories that shaped them , that couple has already done more work than most. Not because they have avoided conflict, but because they have built the foundation that makes conflict survivable. And more than survivable , useful.
Work through these individually first, then share with your partner. Be honest, the point is not to agree, it is to understand each other more clearly.
Which of the four communication styles; passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, or assertive, do you most recognise in yourself? Be honest. This is not about judgment; it is about awareness.
Which style do you most recognise in your partner? How has that style shown up in your relationship, particularly during disagreements?
Think of a time when you reacted strongly to something your partner said or did, more strongly than the situation seemed to call for. In hindsight, were you reacting to them, or to something older that they reminded you of?
What are the specific words, tones, or behaviours that tend to trigger you? Have you ever communicated these clearly to your partner, not in the middle of an argument, but in a calm moment?
How were emotions and conflict handled in the home you grew up in? Were you encouraged to express yourself, or taught , directly or indirectly, to suppress? How much of that is still operating in you today?
As a couple, what would it look like to have a deliberate conversation about each other's communication styles and triggers, before the next argument, not during it? What would you want your partner to know about you?